Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 28 seconds

I relate. There is a TT position open at my university (a rarity!) and even though it’s not directly my area of specialty, I am qualified enough to at least consider applying and am getting mixed enough messages from my senior faculty/admin that I am being forced to grapple directly with some of these questions…because I really like where I live and chances are good that another TT here won’t open up again for a long time.

I have found it fascinating to look at the influence and prestige structures of academia, as part of my research, and to come to understand how my own voice ends up being illegible and/or a challenge within and to some of these structures. This last rush towards completion feels as if I’ve almost let that voice go silent, in an effort to be compliant, to be judged fitting, to prioritize as I am implicitly supposed to prioritize. So I feel like you’re right, in the comment above…sucking it up too long does kill part of your dissent. What one does from here is the interesting question, for me…there are roles and jobs within the academy that I would love, and the role of consultant outside is one I already inhabit and am learning to do well. But from where I live, there is no real “job” outside the TT that would allow me to use the skills I’ve developed, and I am in my 40s and maybe should think about having a pension someday. Yet I will never fit entirely within, and I think that’s my advantage, the benefit I’d bring to the academy if there were a job that worked.

I want the security – or some security – but not the conformity. This is the panel we should put forward to #smsociety15 (or somewhere) btw.