Estimated reading time: 4 minutes, 22 seconds

Mark I’m thinking that the medical system here is crumbling under overload and too many patches. Like my old VW Bug that ran but the rusty floor under the drivers seat kept dropping my ass on the ground. The system is unable to monitor and adapt so it, itself turns inward in an endless and fruitless, self-congratulatory delusion of effectiveness–feet of clay or belly pan of rust. Eventually though the absurdity of claiming success from mounting failure will crash it. Think it’s called non-evidence-based operational blindness–or something like that.

In “Thinking in Systems”, author Donella H. Meadows points to ‘leverage points’ that allow new thinking to enter a system. My thinking is to keep trying doors into the cancer treatment institution until I find one. When I worked at the college here I managed to cross departments and get things done by being mostly to dumb to respect barriers. Eventually I was given the college president’s award for being effective and going beyond my duties. Outed for not playing by the rules, even people I helped shunned me and I got fired soon after. Rule breaking isn’t to be done openly. Now it’s almost comical how often powerful management players avoid me when I visit my wife who still works there. I had no power and have none now but I won’t show it and that scares people. All I did was be a low paid admin assistant (lowest paid on campus) who helped everyone who asked, even if they weren’t “allowed” to ask. Afraid or should I say better at politics than me, people I liked and trusted ratted me out because I’d threatened the stability of the pile of shit they’d built. Their failings, their triumphant tower of poo.

Rant over:-) From reading Feminist articles I’m believing that silencing can be imposed most effectively by silencing ourselves–imprisoning our own minds. (I bet bell hooks said that eh Maha?). So point taken on tending our own voices and I’m on to taking mine to another door and another person. My oncologist has too much to defend, or lose, and I suspect she feels under attack or too far into her decision to back up. (Again something Maha might recognize from being in a family of critical decision makers in the role of doctors?). I’ll post results here.

Which Philip Dick story do you mean Mark? Dick scares me more than Kafka!